There has been many lessons I’ve learnt over the years and continue to do, and the last few months has been no exception.
The delivery of life changes has had me pursuing different locations expressing my life’s work while at the same time fast tracking new experiences and learnings.
Recently after a short stint in Glastonbury, the land of Lady of Avalon, I found myself scapegoated frequently while working there, the final straw that came via email through a projected complaint of my way of being.
I’ve reflected much on this, and as accusatory and painful it was, I felt truly sick at the time that this person, a new therapist I had taken on, had betrayed me in a way beyond belief, as if she had wanted to step in my shoes as the coordinators role at this healing centre. What was even worse for me, having had taken time off to celebrate my joint 50th birthday party with my partner for the weekend, – I would have received this email technically on the day of the party on Friday, but as I was busy with preparations and celebrating I did not even think to open any emails until the Sunday, the day before my return to Glastonbury. You can imagine my shock and dismay to see my employer had forwarded me this lie of an email onto me, without even checking with me first as to what had happened and if any of it was true?
Seeing the situation from a ‘witnessing’ stance I was able to see clearly that everyone we encounter is playing a part in ones movie and whomever is within that dialogue or exchange is participating in some shape of from in the creation next scene. Sometimes it happens to be what I call a Hagalaz moment, a runic definition of disaster and healing. A crisis beyond ones control, radical change, informing one of acceptance in all things that are unalterable, protection in disguise.
This email, has had such an impact on me, one that I could not deny, it had set me on a whole new trajectory once again, by seeing it from a bigger perspective. Once my Sunday morning which had gotten totally hijacked by this work issue, the shock dissipated and I had come back into my being, I realised I had to take stock and retreat.
The trust, support and faith I needed was clearly not there. I could not go back there. The damage had been done. To that end, I am also fiercely protective of my time (off), and will not have anyone intrude or invade my precious time away. This to me is deal breaker, as it communicates to me that my time is not important and I am to serve my employers in a way that does not take in account of my personal time. I value my time and myself and I know this is something many people fear claiming, and serve their employers all hours and at all times. Not me.
I don’t feel there is anything charming or loyal to oneself there, nor do I intend to fall into a martyr role or to be ‘liked’ by my boss for over serving. I serve and give if myself 100% when I am within the parameters of work, and often extend myself beyond, but once my time becomes my time, then no, I will not do it.
Tribal law and those in tribal groups will always make an outsider wrong. Tribe members are generally fiercely protective of one another, one that can blind another from what’s true and right. Root chakra marks the code of belief and truth of a tribe, usually starting within the family of origin, however this can be formed at any point in ones life of any group affiliation.
In my view there is much to be said about all this ‘love and light’ where there is much cover up for inner corrosion and spiritual bypassing. My experience of many of the individuals there were rife with their own shadow stuff, and I have never been around so many adults who behaved in such childish ways, it was like being in a classroom full of kids, back stabbing, unable to express there truth directly, instead, tittle tallying – all to a mother figure outside of themselves.
I say all this as to what end do we take personality and character differences literally and be made wrong for it? It’s like saying, ‘oh you’ve got brown hair so you can’t fit in this blonde group…you are different from us.’
Pretty much all my life, I have been told I’m this and that, that I have too much energy, I should stick at one thing, I am a multipotentialite, I am too fierce, too fast, too sharp, too whatever, too forward, but all this as I am being compared to others by others impression what I ought to be or not, or themselves and their tribe.
Being coerced into social and tribal expectations is a common occurrence. Being different and individual to the group rather than a follower also can rock peoples comfort and safety, and people will do anything to keep whatever fits them contained. Question is does it serve?
Well I’m glad to say despite the recent ‘hagalaz’ challenge, over the years I determinedly learnt to stand up for myself – solar plexus, – issues of not owning our power and boundaries. When and if as child ones spirit and individuality is not encouraged, which in my case was not, one learns to be meek and obliging through early conditioning we become like sheep, following, conforming, staying where it is cozy, singing other peoples song, and denying our inner lion. Those that head the tribe will want your obedience and form a form of slavery. I knew that I had to leave this tribe/ this group and community as inadvertently it was communicated in action that I did not fit in, and I certainly was not going to diminish my own way of being.
You can imagine how and where I operated my young adult life from. All if which did not bring me any joy or had me deny my truth.
I have learnt to love myself as I am despite other peoples projections. I am the sort of person that will call it out. Truth is not everyone likes it, and I do not do so to piss others off, nor does it always serve me (or so it seem at the times). That said, most of the time it does. It does because I have learnt in order to truly be in my sovereign, own my lion-ness, I must speak up and speak my truth. Create my own life. My own story. And by standing by me, I return to harmony, connecting to my higher path. During my requested retreat, I reconnected with my heart, and found that I did not want to return, and the land of Glastonbury was not for me nor at its core did it really speak to my personal ‘beat’. Without fully realising I had relinquished my hearts path.
What’s true is nothing can really affect another if they were able to transcend a projected issue or problem. Staying neutral helps us to taking a witnessing stance, observe and reflect on what is really going on and make a call of action that reflects our inner light/sun. The emblem and symbology of the lion, and the third chakra. Our inner light will always always guide us to where we need to be. Speak in a way that serves and not be hijacked by others. Lions are dedicated to freedom and truth. A soul expression of themselves. In astrology, Leo personifies this archetype. Leading your life like a king or queen. Shining your soul out to the world. Always thriving to do your best, reaching for the stars, releasing any sorrow or old story that has you caught. trapped by the walls of your own making.
When you accept yourself wholly, the possibilities are endless. Your inner beauty shines, your value soars beyond the concerns of others, you lead a life of a self-referenced life that bestows gifts and magic, fulfilling your highest dreams and love for life.
Let your self be seen, it’s our purpose to create brightness in the world. Become world servers. WE are not meant to remain content easily. WE live in a world more than ever of great possibilities. This not to say that all acts of life must be charged for greatness, but be unlimited in yourself. Create the freedom to move through life effortlessly bringing you substantial and expansion joy and expression.
As for me, I am at place I have always dreamt of, a land so vast, that I am at one daily with the landscape of hills, trees and trail walks. In a climate that suits my nature, with and around people who love, value my contribution and my true expression of the self. I am not a threat to them nor do I have to bend myself in an environment only to preform tasks I can do, but at the expense of leaving my essence hidden or put it away to suit the tribe.
So I shall leave you with these questions:
- Are you dimming your light anywhere to suit another or a tribe?
- Have you put your passion on hold as not to rock the status quo?
- Do you live your life in gratitude most days, with a feeling of deep joy?
- What or who is stopping you? Can you take immediate steps to begin the journey of change without further delay?
- Are you loved fully for who you are? Unconditionally? In wild abandon?
- Do you censor yourself, your actions as to not disappoint another?
- Are you content with small joys, because somewhere along the way, your original tribal member, informed you that you could not have more, be more or stopped you from doing what you naturally were moved to do?
- Are you willing to take the steps to grow more, express yourself more, be more in your domain?
Let this energy of the times which beckons to recalibrate you, – surrender to what is not working. Trust all the icky feeling of discontent, for it’s informing you to move on.
When you outstay yourself, somewhere along the way you lose your inner shine – Rafah
Don’t forget to play. Bringing playfulness in your daily activities, releases the need for perfection and adds a sparkle of lightness into our endeavours. So what if something doesn’t quite turn out as you hoped.
Better still, accept your self utterly by trying anything new out, as such as dancing, painting, crafting, cooking whatever you crave to do, but inside the booga wooga critic stops you from having a go.
Release the seriousness of yourself, and have a laugh. Let the vibrancy of life penetrate you as you once were, an innocent child without all the layers of proving your self worth. You are worthy already.
Become alive, take life as a game and enjoy its playful journey. Best nugget of advice I picked up was, ‘what other people think of me, is none of my business’. What a freeing thought.
Who cares, and fuck it! Authenticity couldn’t be more real then that!
Let your self shine, try out new things, follow the teeny murmurs of inspiration that comes to you, forgot all these boastful, narcissistic posts of others on instagram and facebook. Comparison never gets you anywhere but stuck and most of all, dims your light!
Shine on dear souls…we are here to shine.
© Rafah Sabbagh 2017
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