Now and again we have unfortunate misfortune of drawing to us people who are two faced, with forked tongues and or what’s more commonly written about these days and discussed, Narcissists .
This ‘split’ is typical of the archetypal characteristics of a narcissist frequently displaying extreme control, manipulation masked behind a slimy front, all nicey-nicey and yet you deep down you can sense this false demeanour and know something is amiss. It is amazing how many people actually sense this immediately, yet ignore the signs and put up with a narcissist.
WHAT TO WATCH OUT FOR:
A big nice front and a hidden forked tongue but their eyes will tell you differently, if you look close enough.
When you are attuned to your core, you will spot this a mile off. Pay attention to what you are feeling and listen out for a controlling manner, tone and body language. Not so long ago, I was at a meeting, when the female personal assistant to the client, at a instance, pinged me with an immediate dislike look, yet she was obliged to go through the motions as the client who was hiring me was interested in my services as a personal chef. In the course of it though, she was forced to show up as being really supportive, on my side which off course was all very clearly false, waiting in the wings for her opportunity to passively begin to weave her double standards and prodding.
Narcissists will frequently display conflicting actions. They will say yes to a request and then behave in an appalling manner contradicting themselves. These people will have you believe that you are at fault.
They are predators and perpetrators.
What super controlling people do and in the case of a narcissist – they will take you under their wing and molly coddle you, to ‘win you over’ so they can be seen as being REALLY nice and friendly. They are setting you up for the snare. They feed you with their so called caring actions, overt complements, lure in you in order to hijack your trust. They are extremely intelligent individuals who know how to read you like a book and will know exactly what to say and do.
They do this so as time goes by, very quickly they will try to erode your confidence with personal attacks and negative verbal jabs to switch your ‘unworthiness’ button on. Which by the way if you haven’t done the inner work believe me will get activated and will start creating havoc in your auric field. Their power trip is that they have you under their spell or caught in their ‘false’ web of niceness, which off course is all a trap.
They have a tendency to go ballistic at anything at a drop of a hat and will have you cowering, baffled at the intense barrage of attack. This is more common with bully male bosses and men in relationships (proven in scientific studies across three generations in a 30 year period). It is also energetically very exhausting to be around these individuals. You will know, as they will be on your case and attempt to unnerve you every which way. Some play the guilt trip, this is more often the case in personal relationships.
Narcissist are around everywhere, in work places, various professions, often as gurus, healers, leaders and in leadership positions. They appear anywhere, (particular in politics, as we see in Mr. D. Trump as a full blown N), or our boss but never acting out of true leadership. Their sense of entitlement and grandiose arrogance are tell tale signs. They will get rid of the people they know who will not play their game – if you are brave enough to stand up to one be assured they will or make your life a living hell. Or simply discard you, that’s if you don’t leave first.
Most people who under the spell of a narcissist will be inclined to be a covert codependent person in relationships. Sadly while you are the target of a bully, what you need to asking yourself is ‘Why am I accepting this?’
What part of you will have you stay, serve and be in a situation or around a person that treats and speaks to you appallingly?
I have heard so many excuses or reasons for this:
- I can’t afford to leave my job.
- He’s not so bad, just behaves that way now and again.
- He loves me even if he loses his temper and calls me names, because he tells me so when he calms down.
- I can handle him/her. I’ll make her see right. She knows that I love her and she doesn’t mean it.
- I just have to work harder.
- She’s my mother
- It’s what I have to do, it’s what’s expected of me…
Well I have news for you. A narcissist is incapable of EVER owning their shit or even thinking that they could be one. They are in such denial that they cannot fathom to be in the wrong or have the mindfulness to self examine and own their part. The worst kind is to have them as your partner, wife, husband or as bedmate. They will break you, if you do not move on, or mould you to their demands and behaviour. You will be emotionally violated time and time again.
Say anything negative toward them or point out their behaviour and they will attack you, make you wrong or wrong you in a way to justly their behaviour. Most people will go along to keep the peace or to not rock the boat in losing their position, employment or relationship.
The only way to get rid of a narcissist is to WALK AWAY. To leave and never to go back – this is particularly important and must be so if you are in a relationship with one. This situation is the hardest to get out of as there would have been much emotional investment, attachment and sexual energetic cord established, therefore harder to leave and release yourself of their toxic web.
If it’s a member of your family and you have family ties, limit your contact with them, until you have done some inner work and they no longer have power over you.
Begin to do some self inquiry as to why you agreed to be in this dynamic. The longer you have been engaging in with a narcissist the more you need to do your inner work. Chances are if this was your husband or partner, the eroding damage done can take some time to heal. They will make you doubt yourself so much so, you will begin think that you are going nuts.
The consistent violation also happens to children who may have had either of their parent as one. A victim of a narcissist would have more often than not been raised by a narcissistic parent, and brain chemistry been moulded as child, and his or her emotional, psychological behavioural pattern and belief of the self damaged, believing to be not loveable or deserving, lodged deep in the recesses of ones body and energy field.
If you were raised by a narcissistic parent, often you will have attracted a narcissist as your partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, employer, whomever, as from a young age you would have had to compensate for your parents neglect and super selfish and self absorbed behaviour, that your childhood would have been disrupted in some shape or form. Conflicting messages of love and insane/mean behaviour by the parent to whom the child depended would have endured some kind of emotional hell and neglect. As a child it would have been impossible to just up and leave even though the child knows that something is not right. I can tell you from my personal experience, as a daughter to a narcissistic mother, I longed to run away time and time again, and even put a leaving note under my mothers pillow, – I was about 6 or 7 years of age, but thought better of it as I knew all hell will be let loose and the probability of being found was high, and the punishment and wrath beyond that was not worth thinking about. If you ever saw ‘Mommy Dearest’ you would know what I am talking about.
Narcissists despise the idea that you can be more popular them, or if anyone shows any affection toward you this would be a threat to their vanity, sense of security and entitlement. They will not like it all. My mother was regularly mean to me and jealous when my father showed his affections toward me or complemented me in anyway.
If your boss notices that your are getting credit for your work, they will act out and do anything to sabotage your efforts, now or in the future in anyway they can. They will also ensure that you are put in your rightful place, – beneath them in any accolade or ranking. Don’t be surprised if they hijack the credit of your hard work.
All a while their face displays a false nice smile masking the cunning and darker side of themselves. ‘The front door smiles are just false. those faces looking innocent are just cultivated.’
New Generation of Narcissists
Narcissist also spring when boundaries are very loose as a child and the child is given too much choice and given their way most of the time. This is atypical when parents do not parent well, and or too busy being the child’s friend and not the adult parent. I have seen this in some of my clients homes, whereby the mother, weak in her authority allows the child to roughshod over her, where the child aggressively bully’s the mother to give in as she is too tired to pull her weight of authority to avoid confrontation with her child, forming a imbalanced dynamic but what’s worse shaping the characteristics of a narcissist.
There will be a new breed of narcissist as many children these days are brought up in this way, and what these modern parents are not aware is that they are sowing the seeds of a narcissistic generation.
An adult child with inner wounding requires rooting out the belief and past hurts. In order to move on and be clear of any negative habits or ‘dysfunctional’ relationships a process of inner transformation needs to occur.
A dysfunctional relationships is one that makes you unhappy; it is one-sided (in other words you are making all the effort), when you are going out with an addict of any kind, alcoholic, a bully, non-committal partner, a cheat, liar, workaholic, investing in a unrequited love, having an affair, or being part of threesome and at the bottom of it you really crave a monogamous, conscious relationship or any other codependent relationships are ALL symptoms of inner wounding and damaged inner trust and self worth.
This is also very important to know if you do not want to perpetuate the cycle.
We stop having these kind of relationships when we reach certain amount of wholeness and are in touch with our own inner child, the masculine and divine feminine and actively live out of that.
WHAT TO DO?
Checking in with your feeling senses and do not doubt them. If you know you are in a marriage or a relationship with one, than I recommend you get out. You can’t possibly be happy in it. Yourself esteem eroding if not gone, but seriously waning. Get help and have a coach to guide you and give you the tools to strengthen your esteem and claim your power.
Walk away from anyone what gives that ikkey vibe. Yes. It won’t change and it is not our job to conquer them or it. How many times have we bypassed this?
Stop being the martyr.
Trust what you feel and the courage to say NO (from the outset) if possible.
Stand in your own authority.
Place clear communicative and action orientated boundaries up.
Limit contact or sharing anything personal with them. They will use this against you.
Whatever you do, do not work for or take a job if you sense the person/employer to be one. There are plenty of oppounities out there. Walk on by.
If you need help with any of the above, contact me here.
If you have managed to get away, pat yourself on the back. Keep your self away from any further contact until you are strong enough not to be affected. Do not undermine their deceit. If you are one of these individuals that keeps on rocking in and out of a narcissistic partnership, marriage or ex-spouse, seriously leave it well alone and get help from someone who can really help transform you and and your life.
Awesome! Away with the Narcissists.
© Rafah Sabbagh 2017
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- Osho Zen Tarot, pg.130 Politics