Bringing myself back to me

I have come to realise that somewhere along the way I have misplaced myself altogether. I don’t recognise the stiffness in my body — days of exercise neglect showing its self. Putting the decisions of others and wants, low levelling mine as less critical, over appeasing my partner, family members to the point I question its validity in my life.
In keeping the peace, I have myself fallen victim of my undoing. Do you ever find that you say to yourself, ‘How did I get here? How did this happen?’

In the quiet moments of my solitude, I have been able to see clearly – looking at my life over the last two years. There pointers that help us to connect the dots, markers in our field of life, where we can look back and say OMG! Did I go through all that and let that be okay? What now?

What now is ‘Bringing myself back to me?’ Readjusting the balance.

Readjusting the balance.

After a few tears of frustration and hurt, ( long story which I will not go into) I realised that we indeed only have ourselves to get straight with. That my outer life is one that either reflects what we are not doing, accepting whatever, despite not liking it or letting others selfishly time and time again put their needs over mine and oh how easy is it to do so.

Most of my musings have been on empowerment and relating within relationships – through observations of life whether my own, friends and within issues that I engage through my interests and my work.

I am often stunned by how some behave, selfishly without consideration of others time, feelings or repercussions of their actions, in that so easily put themselves first, and effortlessly. Something I have battled with and continue always to be working on. I’ll give you an example. I have a friend, an actor and if we were to arrange something, he would have no qualms to undo it and put his time/needs/practice first. As I enjoy his company, frequently, I used to agree to see him, despite if I were busy or had planned to work on something to see him at the appointed time which suited him and or on a whim on his part!

It seemed to happen many times over with my older sister, friends too until I was able to imitate them ( monkey see monkey do), direct my needs/art/craft/ work time as a priority without being allowed to be distracted and keeping my boundaries intact.

We live in an age where one’s word is as a grain of sand: Precious but its currency low. I’ve learnt that one’s word does not work in the way in which I want, and unless I go into control mania which I try and avoid, as I do not like being dictated to or controlled, weigh the pros and cons, monitor at what point is it okay for anyone to push my boundary by their demand? Learning to be okay with it, or at least it’s for me anyway, constant practice, one that gains me more wisdom, the experience of surrender, in letting go and allowing.

Being open to Source – Trusting that Life has my back.

For a long as I can remember I have embraced change and challenges. I see each problem as an opportunity to grow, helping me to make optimum decisions at the time they arise and view my daily life as an adventure. It is only our mindset that keeps us stuck.

Life is colourful with a whole load of people with their narratives and story reasons and justification. It’s sheer impossible not be bumping up against people or not have our run-ins. See it all as an opportunity. This whole idea of life is a mirror of our interior. Instead of life mirroring back to you, which is almost as good as saying you must be doing something wrong or your mind is fcuking you over, which it could be, or not…sometimes triggers are mere that, and we do not have to make it mean anything. I have found there times when I would be triggered, and it wasn’t coming from an inner wounding, but something I had rectified, therefore, found it difficult when people had not. Perhaps somewhat self-righteous.

Also, the idea of a mirror could be that we could see or talk to the self that is hurting, feeling bad, rejected, let down, ousted out, invalidated, – whatever, self-questioning can.
‘What is this telling me?’
‘Why am I feeling so angry?’
‘What is this about? Where is it coming from?’
‘What scenario in my past does it recall? or remind me of?’
‘How can I make myself feel better?’

Talk to yourself as if you were comforting a friend. You would not ridicule a friend and say don’t be so silly! Or have a word with yourself, well actually you could, but, kinder anyhow, supportive, understanding, helping him or her to get to the bottom of it, or to listen. Try that as a mirror.

Had a situation sometime back when a good friend of mine, projected her anger/inner wounds, ‘what she saw’ which was not how I was behaving nor being accused of! But she was fully projecting onto me. I just kept out of her way, as I was living with her then, but also only stayed observing not wanting to judge her or the situation when it occurred. I did think What?! and was glad to return home.

Sometimes people are going through their own ‘stuff’ and often has very little do with us. We bring it out in them, family members, partners and those close to us somewhere along the line who are soulfully contracted to us and vice versa.

What can help?

I fell upon this question through a share on FB and feel it to be a great theme at this time to explore.
When Do You Know You Are Emotionally Mature? 26 Suggestions
– The book of Life

I decided to take each one, as a source of reflection and learning and feel inspired for you to do the same. Here I will share the first:

1: You realise that most of the bad behaviour of other people comes down to fear and anxiety – rather than, as it is generally easier to presume, nastiness or idiocy. You loosen your hold on self-righteousness and stop thinking of the world as populated by either monsters or fools. It makes things less black and white at first, but in time, a great deal more interesting.

Is it not right and helpful to view it this way? Journalling can help to ground that understanding. Not that the long ago, my partner was totally in his terrible twos, and instead of retaliating and my telling him to calm down ( isn’t that fucking annoying anyhow?), I decided to see it from compassionate eyes and heart and realised that he was so scared, and going berserk because of whatever was triggering him.

What did I do? Gave it space until dissipated. Then tackled it when things were calmer.
As an exercise to do, reflect daily when or if you have encountered this in your self or managed to apply by loosening the hold of being self-righteous.

With all the changes going on ‘bringing ourselves back to ourselves’ is key to overriding much of erratic vibe that is here right now.

These are a few things I am practising right now to bring me back to me.

  • Say NO to things that take me away from my commitment to myself and my work
  • Daily practice of yoga, bodywork or a walk for at least 3o minutes out in nature
  • Regular chakra health toning ( vocal sounds, mudras and visualisation)
  • Writing and reflecting in my journal
  • Speaking up and honouring my truth
  • Eating when I hungry whatever time rather than following a time code
  • Communicating my needs
  • Sitting outdoors in silence and noticing my thoughts
  • Letting tears come and go as I feel the need to let go

I suggest connecting to our Heart Chakra at this time. It will aid us in having compassion with ourselves and others. Forgiving ourselves for the times, we may have abandoned ourselves and had that reflected. It helps with acceptance and trust. Visualise the clour green radiating out of your heart centre. Another great chakra to tune into right now is our power centre, the solar plexus. This chakra the solar plexus will help us be able to hold onto our boundaries and navigate our way.

At this time following a path with heart is paramount. Whatever our choices and ways of living, it must come from our heart, and the importance of being integrity is vital.
The other balm is gratitude. Sometimes it’s difficult to see past all the pain, frustrations and changes we need to make. Anger which is the contraction of energy from the heart is a sure sign something is off. Thank the truth bearer.

Commit to the changes you want to experience and be okay with any small action and the step by step process. But no matter stick to them.
However, small our victories – they are that.
Before long you will be bringing yourself back to you, and feeling buoyant once again.

This is how we balance ourselves back to ourselves.

Put your needs first. There will be a multitude of tests along the route of change. Hold firm. Witness your inner self-regard muscle, grow.

We are forever growing, like it or not. See what you are leaning toward and away from. The body does not lie. I have said this many times.

And from that point act on your behalf. Soon you will be living from your aligned self, and no matter what storms goes on around you. You can hold your own.


© Rafah Sabbagh 2019


If you are having any issues with this article in your life, do contact me for a private session or sessions. I offer bespoke sessions according to your needs and concerns. I also offer relationship coaching, with or without your partner.

Copyright (c) 2019 by Rafah Sabbagh. All rights reserved. You may quote, copy, translate and link to this article, in its entirety, on free, non-donation based websites only, as long as you include the author name and a working link back to this website. All other uses are strictly prohibited.

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