Dear Rafah,

My new girlfriend wants us to role play when we have sex and has suggested scenarios that involve things like room service in a hotel or her doing the housework and me being a stranger. I’ve never done this before and would prefer just to have sex as ourselves. She said she might climax more easily in a role-playing situation. Now I’m worried she’s been faking it and we are sexually incompatible.

 

Rafah Says:

What comes to mind straight away for me is how new is new. It sounds like you have embarked on a relationship without consolidating the foundations of your relationship prior to engaging in a sexual relationship with your new woman.

This always will cause problems and eventually bite anyone on the arse. No matter what the story, narrative or scenario.

Without taking time to get to know the person in conversation, about sexual preferences this would have saved this heartache and dismay. Now into a relationship, as you call her your girlfriend you discover that you have different needs and preferences to enjoy sex. It sounds like you prefer the intimate connection while she prefers the kinky sexual engagement of sex. None of these are wrong per se, nor good and bad, although I personally feel that anyone who engages in cold, fucking sex, lacks the ability to get intimate and is often a sign of the inability to get close.

Play role allows the person to disengage from his or herself, take on a different persona and enact the role or archetype get off the physical sensations through sexual intercourse while the mind a great tool engages in the ‘role’ adopted, in order to stimulate excitement and orgasm. Hardly an act of true closeness and intimacy.

The sad thing is, modern sex as reduced to animalistic pleasures, instant gratification and a high factor toward distraction and a tool to buff up one’s ego and a false sense of security.

True sex takes time, requires no role play and is the art of intimate discovery and journey with an another, someone you consider as your mate or love partner. This journey of intimate exploration does not require toys or harnessing roles to stimulate true physical pleasure and orgasm. It is work that takes an effortless connection, one that fulfils personal pleasure without any outer focus or ‘having to’ climax’.

The pleasure is in the act of being together, feeling, hearing, sensing, smelling the bodies merge in a united act of togetherness that is beyond outer manifestation of the result.

We live in such outer achievements and focus, through all the media hype, films and what sex should look like it’s hardly a surprise that people have lost the true art of intimacy and sexual connection.

So I would ask yourself this:

What do I really want here? Am I willing to explore a bit of role play and see if this works for me? Is this the kind of sexual connection I wish to have?

Be willing to speak with your girlfriend and ask her what is it about the role play other than having an orgasm does she like. Would she consider trying out a way to truly connect with you sexually without role play or sex toys and see if that is an area she would like to explore?

If she mocks you, perhaps as hard as it may seem, perhaps she is not the girl for you.

I’d be curious as to why she needs to roleplay from the first place. Sex is one of the highest forms of connection that requires trust, letting go, allowing and being open. The more open a woman can be to receive her mans member the more both will merge into a connection that naturally will escalate into an ecstatic release.

Perhaps this is the only kind of sex she knows. When women are young, they frequently oblige the man over her true needs and closeness. They mistake being with a man sexually as love and closeness offering sexual bonding before emotional stability often times taking them further away from that truth. This could be learnt behaviour on her part as she could have been subjected roleplay kind of sex and this is all she knows.

This is an opportunity for you both to explore together with other possibilities and one that can be healing for her. This also is an opportunity for you to man up and talk openly about what you seem to be frightened of, your fears and get over your thoughts of sexual incompatibility. There is no such thing.

Sexual chemistry is derived and built upon once you have an honest and true connection. The rest of is simply lust. Sexual connection and intimacy take time, though you can tell from your initial sexual bonding the possibilities of growth for intimacy.

Sexual connection is an arena for play and the kind of physical contact which brings two people closer together and in love. Anything else is a physical activity that is devoid of true connection, and a past time just to release and relieve oneself through another.

You always have a choice. Just be honest with yourself as to what kind of sexual connection is important to you, and make a decision from there. At the end of the day, what is important is respecting others for their own sexual preferences but being congruent with yourself and your needs.

I’d say walk on if this is sexual role play is not your thing, as it will always be a bone of contention and resentment of submission to your truth.

© Rafah Sabbagh 2017

Footnote.

If you are having any issues with this article in your life do contact me for a private session or sessions. I offer bespoke sessions according to your needs and issues. I also offer Transformational Couple Life Guidance for any couple who wish to work on there problems or issues together as an opportunity to evolve and grow together.

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